My cat gives me a boner
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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