We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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