I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
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