So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
