i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
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