When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
