The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
