but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Randomize
