Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
