the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
