You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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