Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Randomize
