did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
