my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
