I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
You can't just leave with hair like that
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
