I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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