I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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