im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
