Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
