I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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