I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
