Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
