am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
