captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
