They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Randomize
