with her its the mind over matter factor, i dont mind and she dont matter
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
