I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
cat food counts as protein by the way
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Randomize
