just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
