I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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