I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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