found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
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