omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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