Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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