Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
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