do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
