I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
should my penis look like a turkey
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
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