I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
