Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
