There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Randomize
