I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
