Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Randomize
