On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
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