To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
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