im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Randomize
