Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
Disadvantage of being gay..... my gag reflexes makes trying to make myself throw up extremely difficult.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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