God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
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