just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Randomize
