it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
