My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
