it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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