I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I'm sorry that you just had your first misguided homo experience
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
