when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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