I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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