why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
