There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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