Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Randomize
